Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
