why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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