My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
