I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
