I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
