just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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