Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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