Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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