just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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