Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize