im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize