I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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