either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
