Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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