Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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