You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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