The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
