trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
