im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At least life still wants to fuck me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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