I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I need to calm my uterus...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize