my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
