I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize