cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
