I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
