I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want her autograph on my taint
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
