Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
