Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This is classic penis vs brain.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
