i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
