areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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