I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
