you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
