this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
