i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
