I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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