i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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