You smell like a Billy Joel song
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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