I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
