And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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