id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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