First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
