i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
