My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
