I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
