I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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