im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
