So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
