my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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