I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize