rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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