I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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