I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize