Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
