What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
