I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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