I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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