I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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