I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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