I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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