I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
