I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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