Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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