When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
