Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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